iTales

Apple One

2011-08-09T13:11:00.000-07:00

Apple briefly surpassed Exxon Mobil today to become the largest company in the world, by market capitalization. It's market cap is already larger than that of Microsoft and Intel combined.

Way to go, Steve!

2010-05-27T09:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Apple finally passed Microsoft in market cap - for the first time in twenty years - and became the second-largest U.S. company (behind Exxon Mobil) I am glad I have been a part of the ride, ever since I got my bondi-blue iMac in 2001. And lets not forget that I am an Apple shareholder too - I own all of one share in the company.

Way to go, Steve!

Kidstuff

2009-06-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

I chanced upon this site the other day. Just another dating site. Except for one little difference. It's meant exclusively for those who hate kids. So, happily, I am not the only person on earth who thinks babies are selfish, egoistical, bawling balls of lard.

And its not just the kids themselves who get on my nerves; what pisses me even more is the way their manufacturers (and other stakeholders) hype them out to be the greatest of engineering marvels. Some of my most annoying experiences in life have related to delusional parents parading their produce's supposedly prodigal talents for all to admire. I recall, with particular horror, the time I was invited to a friend's two-year-old's birthday party, and had been made to sit through a poetry recital by the kid. Amidst the garish balloons and confetti, the neighbourhood litter, the piles of food and the loads of loot for the kid, the star of the show, this orang-outang, is made to stand on a table for its grand performance.

Proud grandpa prods :

"Johnny, Johnny?"

The monkey lisps :

"Yechch pappa?"

Grandpa, encouraged at having the show going his way :

"Eating sugar?"

Monkey, practised and on cue :

"No pappa."

By now, grandpa is glowing like a halogen bulb on heat :

"Telling a lie?"

His DNA in flesh and blood :

"No pappa."

Grandpa knows that climax is near, rasps :

"Open your mouth!"

Electric silence all around. The air is pregnant with anticipation. The ape-ette knows its moment is here; it maxes the dramatic effect with a pause, sweeps its audience with a slow and deliberate wave of its prodigal head, and then, with a flourish that would put even the most seasoned of stage-performers to shame, punchlines :

"Ha, ha, ha."

The audience goes wild. Its obligatory upon everyone else in the room to applaud - wow, amazing, so-cute, ha-ha-ha etc. Anything less could mean eternal damnation, maybe hung upside-down from a lampost next to hell's largest kindergarten school for all afterlife.

Peden, who is one of those rare people who feels the same way about kids as I do - and who is, therefore, often labelled as a freak - thinks that most people enjoy such performances, and some even envy the parents with a when-will-I-have-my-own-so-that-even-I-can-flaunt-in-this-manner? attitude. I think she got it wrong there; what those suposedly envious people really feel during such performances is, "I am so bored and pissed. Wait till I manufacture one of those things of my own and piss you to death like you are pissing me now."

Its not for nothing that one of my favourite jokes goes like this :

What's white and red and pink and goes round and round?

A baby in a mixie.

My Samosawallah

2009-06-06T23:17:00.000-07:00

A man sells samosas near my house. Every evening, he opens his shop on his thela in front of Zest Restora and Sri Guru Repair Shop. He sells very tasty samosas. People come from far and wide to buy his samosas. His wife sits behind him and makes the samosas. First she makes the raw samosas with maida and alu and spices. Then she deep-fries the raw samosas in a big black pot half-full of oil. She is very fat. She is also very loyal to her husband. My samosawallah is very abrasive. Once I asked him, "Are your samosas hot?" He got angry and replied, "Nobody dares to ask me that question." From then onwards, I didn't dare either. Another time, a man asked him, "Dada, how long will it take me to walk to the bridge?" The samosawallah got angry and replied, "That is a stupid question. How can I tell how long it will take you to walk to the bridge if I don't know your speed of walking? If your speed of walking is fast, it will take less time. If your speed of walking is slow, it will take more time. If your speed of walking is fast for a part of the way and if your speed of walking is slow for the rest of the way ..." He puts some of his abrasiveness in his samosas as well. Which is why his samosas are so teekha. The prices of his samosas have kept pace with inflation. Eight years ago, I purchased samosas from him at a price of one rupee per piece. Now they come for Rs.2.50 and their sizes have become smaller. Still he does roaring business. Sometimes he doesn't open his shop for many days. People joke that he has made so much money by selling samosas that he goes on holiday to Hawaii. On many days, I buy his samosas on my way back from office. I then smash them and sprinkle kaala namak on them and dip them in my mother's home-made chilli sauce and eat. The samosas taste very nice that way. The chai I drink after that also tastes very nice. My samosawallah is very good. I like my samosawallah very much.

This one is for Richa. Yes, the girl who jumps off planes on whim. A little bit of a glutton that she is, she had been craving for samosas with teekha mirchi ki chutney in Dubai, and that inspired this profound little post. Richa, if you ever happen to jump off a plane over Kolkata, do drop in at Tank no. 8. If my samosawallah isn't holidaying in Hawaii at that time, I'm sure he won't disappoint you.